It’s been six months since I expelled a baby from my body. It has been the best 6 months in my entire 34 and a half years. But I’ve got some questions. Post-pregnancy questions. Baby questions. Life questions. All the questions.
Does my baby love me, or just my boobs?
Will I ever be able to eat leafy greens and not immediately fart the most horrendous odor?
How long until I stop wanting to squish my baby so hard she absorbs back into my body?
Back to farts, will they ever not smell in general?
Or sound like a bomb went off?
Mamas with multiples, single mamas, single papas: how. do. you. do. it?
Is this linea nigra permanent?
How about the hemorrhoid?
Will my hair ever stop falling out?
Or grow back?
Am I feeding my baby too much?
Can she sleep in our room until she’s 12?
Will I ever get a period again?
Will it be the murder scene I’ve been told to expect?
When can I get pregnant again?
Is 5 kids too many?
If I have more kids, will she hate me?
How long until I stop worrying about every rash, cough, weird cry?
Never?
Why did we ever think 2 dogs was a good idea?
Why don’t we have more dogs?
What’s the law on animals in the city?
Will I ever get 8 hours of sleep again?
Hell, how about 7?
Am I talking to my baby enough?
Is she getting enough sensory play?
Is this 90s rap sending her the wrong message?
Can I tape her legs to the rug so she never crawls?
Or leaves me?
Ever?
Does she think about me when she’s at daycare?
Will she resent me for being the first there and last to leave?
Can daycare open on the weekend once a month?
Are my boobs just permanently 2 inches and one cup size bigger?
Can I wear nursing bras forever?
Will I ever be able to sleep on my stomach again?
Should I get her a gmail account?
Can I block her from social media already?
Can she just be Amish?
What weird technology will be available when she’s my age?
Flying cars?
Killer robots?
Shit, what do I need to do to safeguard her against killer robots?
Am I doing this right?
Am I doing anything right?
What can I make for dinner with ramen noodles and parmesan?
When was the last time I pumped?
Is she laughing at me or with me?
Will she look back on her childhood and think I’m a nut?
Is this day over yet so I can go snuggle my girl?