I thought I had more time, guys. Ten years. Maybe five. I thought I had more time before my child started to hate me.
“Oh, she doesn’t hate you.” Sure, she doesn’t actually hate me—I’m not even sure her beautiful little angel heart knows how to hate at this point. But she’s definitely sick of me. I walked in her room this week and she flinched away from me and screamed “NO, MAMA! NO, MAMA!” like I was going to murder her. And this is not an isolated incident. For a while now, she just can’t stand to be near me.
I get it, though. In her defense, I’ve literally been in her grill every day for the last two years (minus the infamous pneumonia weekend). That’s 750 days. Seven. Hundred. Fifty.
750 days of this crazy lady smooching your cheeks, not letting you jump on the couch, dressing you like a dork, saying no to cookies for dinner (girl, we don’t even have cookies in the house). Hell, even I’m sick of me. But, being around someone who is sick of you… starts to make you not want to be around them, too.
I know, I know. It took me four years of soul-crushing drugs, needles and tears to get her. I’m so lucky. I’m so grateful. Of course I’m not sick of her. But, I’ve literally spent 3 nights away from her in her whole entire life.
Maybe my toddler is right. Maybe she’s actually teaching me a lesson right now. I have been trying to “do it all” for too long. I’ve wanted to be the one to wake her up, feed her nummies, play with her in the tubbie, smell her breath while she sleeps. I’ve wanted to “live in the moment” because “tomorrow’s not promised to anyone.” Blah, blah, blah.
And while I do subscribe to “take time for yourself,” when you’re a working mom with a husband who travels, “time for yourself” is often limited to showers and sleep.
Maybe it’s time to try harder. No, not to be a better mom or look past this “NO, MAMA!” phase (it’s a phase, right)? Maybe it’s time to give up some of that need to be a part of every little thing. Time to give her some space. Give me some space.
This article showed up yesterday on Facebook like a GD divine message from the big guy himself. I think it’s a sign. There is nothing in the world that sounds better right now than a lazy day alone on a warm beach with a book and a drink.
Or maybe a snuggle from my goose.
The goose